Sparkle, Glamour and Pre-Vetted Jokes: FIFA World Cup Event Lands in Washington.

The schedule for the Kennedy Center in the nation's capital shows a playful dual-language performance and an ad-libbed theatrical company. Conspicuously missing from the public events is this week's global football draw, presumably because it is a exclusively closed-door gathering. Officials seem intent on keep out any unwanted attendees from showing up at what promises to be an overly lengthy, self-aggrandizing spectacle where well-paid luminaries will undoubtedly echo the well-worn platitude that "football brings together the world."

A Star-Studded Crew

This glitzy event is set to be hosted by German model-turned-TV presenter Heidi Klum alongside diminutive US standup comedian and actor Kevin Hart. Adding to the celebrity roster will be gridiron star Eli Manning on welcoming details and actor Danny Ramirez as a roving correspondent. Together, they will oversee a ceremony that will certainly have English football fans who remember missing the simpler, pomp-free days of former managers, Sir Bert Millichip, the FA tombola and a trusty velvet bag of wooden, lottery balls.

Slated to last almost three grueling hours, the show will feature a staggering agenda of lengthy speeches, overly sentimental video montages, pre-vetted gags, famous faces, musical turns from artists with perhaps no embarrassment or enormous tax bills, and then... at last, the actual World Cup draw.

Icons of Sport on Ceremony Detail

Included in those tasked with carrying out the draw? Basketball legend Shaquille O'Neal, hockey great Wayne Gretzky, NFL star Tom Brady and baseball star Aaron Judge, all plucking balls under the supervision of former defender Rio Ferdinand. Given the considerable, deep well of personality exhibited by these veteran sporting icons, short of an armed security team crashing the ceremony, it's difficult to imagine what could possibly go wrong.

In reality, very little, if the insensitive justification of FIFA's widely reported World Cup exorbitant ticket pricing mounted by an obsequious English yes-man is any kind of gauge. Upon being questioned if tickets should be more affordable for non-millionaires, the response was vague. "I think we have to be conscious of that and I think FIFA are certainly people that are conscious of that," was the comment. "But listen, I think we can look at every sector, every sector, we could have that discussion about things," it was noted. The implication appeared that premium costs are acceptable when compared with other luxury goods.

The Football Business

With over forty teams already secured a place for next summer's tournament and six more set to qualify, there will be a genuine feeling of excitement once the opening acts conclude and the main draw gets under way. But as fans across the globe wait with great anticipation to see which three teams their particular country will play in the group stages, the suspense will be nothing compared to that which comes before the reveal of the winner of FIFA's first-ever award for peace for "people who help bring together people in peace through steadfast commitment and special actions." Given that the draw is in Washington and the tournament is primarily in the US, speculation about the winner are widespread, even if the hints are there.

"I have no worries at the moment. I was speaking to the chairman today. My connection with him is rock solid really. I have a truly transparent and frank relationship. So regarding my position in that sense I have absolutely no concerns whatsoever" – comments from a coach whose side in the midst of a five-game losing streak, providing a textbook remark likely to be revisited if/when a dismissal occur in the future.

Readers' Letters

• "Regarding the discussion of a possible club named Kevin... there is an talented Brazilian winger named Kevin at a Premier League club who cost north of £30m. Perhaps Kevin could be asked to purchase a lower league club and bestow his name on it."
• "Going to football games in the past, when the answer was 'Keith', a common jest was: 'What, on his own?'"
• "I stopped reading after nine words. 'Comprised of'! Of what were you thinking? To comprise means to consist of. So to comprise of means to consist of of. The extra 'of' is as redundant as an extra official."
• "Concern is growing ahead of FIFA's Global Tombola: just what catchy ditty will certain performers come up with if a political figure remains on the stage, requiring an encore?"